A Moment of Insanity

When was the last time you laughed?
I don't mean snort, or breath heavily out of your nose, or giggle. I mean laugh. That raucous noise that never seems to end, it comes with a feeling of joy and liberation, that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

Today, a good friend of mine and I, were on the way back from the Globe theatre after watching Macbeth - which is brilliant and I highly recommend it - and every thing was normal, we were about a minute late for the train and the next two were cancelled. We had to wait another hour for ours. As I said, normal.

When our train finally came, we clambered onboard, groaning and whining about how sore and wet we were for standing in the rain for almost 3 hours - if you don't know how the Globe theatre works, there isn't a roof and you stand and hope that there is a space near the stage you can lean on - don't get me wrong, it was an amazing experience and I wouldn't have missed it for the world, but it does put a strain on your legs! So finally we are on the train and we are just mumbling and talking about cool stuff, like books and doctor who... that's cool right?

So my friend and I start reminiscing over our primary school life - I was beaten up and she scribbled on everyone's work, so we clung to each other like wart plasters. We ended up talking about the fads that went around when we were younger, including these little goey aliens that came in a little plastic egg. Did anyone else have these?

There were many 'rumours' going around that if you stuck two of them together they could have a baby. I am incredibly over-imaginative and I have what I refer to as 'false-memories', I am not sure if there is a scientific name for this, but these are those memories that have elements of truth to them but you have embellished over the years and now it is completely false. Basically at some point a kid at my school brought the alien thing in and pretended that it was pregnant. Obviously I thought this was amazing (I was incredibly gullible - there are thousands of stories to tell about that) so I asked the person how he did it.  

THE LIAR WHO LIED: Basically you put two back to back, cover them in the goo, and stick it in the freezer overnight.

MY FRIEND: Rachel, take mine, and do that tonight. Then tomorrow we can look after the baby aliens. Please don't harm them though, especially mine!

ME: *Puts the aliens back to back, covers them in the goo, closes the lid - realises as I closed the lid, I had caught the arm of my friend's alien and it came off  (oops) - puts aliens back into freezer) *

The next morning I come into school mildly upset that it didn't work and asked the boy what I did wrong. He told me I should have put it in the fridge... somehow I still don't think that would have worked. Apparently I killed them. Oops. I was actually very sad and thought I was a murder. 

Half way through this story my friend starts cracking up. Then I start laughing. This was the socially acceptable giggles. Then we start crying. By this point we have don't know what we are laughing about, everything is funny. Everyone is staring. This is the point we were heaving, our chests were in pain and even if it was a midday train it wouldn't have been acceptable, however, this was not the midday train, this was the 10:30pm train. Everyone was tired and not wanting to deal with two rowdy teenagers. Again oops. About 10 minutes into the 'laughing' - I think screeching is a better term - my dad looks at us as if we had gone insane. We had. He then continues to ask us what is so funny. Now, if you are hysterical, and someone asks you what is funny, you either realise it isn't funny and stop laughing, or you realise how hilarious it is, go on and say the hilarious joke and go on with your day.

So did I do either of the two? no. I proceed to burst into full on screeches, shout 'gooey aliens' really loudly, have everyone on the carriage look at me, and me and my friend burst into undignified sobs of laughter. I really wish I was kidding. 

This behaviour lasted for around half an hour, punctuated by my dad saying something that would make us crack up even more, when the (slow) train, finally came to a halt at our station. You could see the sigh of relief on everyone's faces when we got off, still giggling. 

We get into the car and both of us realise, as we had been sob/laughing our makeup had basically melted down our faces. To be honest, she was fine, she didn't wear that much, whereas, I wear a lot of eyeliner and dark eye shadow. I looked terrifying. As I write this I still burst into silent bouts of the giggles, this happened about two hours ago now.

Even though this story is kind of stupid and quite funny as you realise that I will laugh at the dumbest stuff, it made me realise that I haven't laughed that hard or for that long in years. When I was little I had a 'man's laugh' - a deep belly laugh that didn't suit the body it was contained in. This caused everyone in the vicinity to start laughing as well, they would always point it out. Due to this I ended up being very anxious about how I laughed, which is so stupid, it is a noise you make when you are happy have a feeling of joy, it is so liberating, yet I was so scared of it. My mum always told me not to laugh because it was annoying - she also told me to stop talking because my voice was also annoying - ouch, thanks mum.

Due to the fact I was so scared I haven't properly laughed like that in years, and by 'years' I mean the last time I laughed that hard was at my primary school pantomime, in year 4. I remember the last time I laughed that hard, because that was when everyone started to point it out, so I told myself to stop. When I was in year 4 I was 9, I am now 16 and finishing year 11. So yeah by 'years' I mean 7 years - in that time I became incredibly self-destructive and I hated myself.

I'm not sure if this sudden happiness and joy I felt was because I realised that my GCSEs are almost over (Tuesday btw), or if it was because 7 years of an overwhelming fear of anxiety and self-hatred had covered up any points where I could be myself and laugh. Or, if it was just a moment of insanity and I had a mental breakdown - again, apart from the fact I ended up laughing hysterically, rather than crying.

This post was meant to be funny and short. It turned out slightly different.

So have any of you ever had a moment of insanity, where your true laugh comes through, where you cross the line between socially acceptable and disturbing. Where you quite literally make everyone in the vicinity was to through you out the nearest window?

Something I want you to take from this is your laugh is wonderful, trust me, as someone who hid theirs for over half a decade, please don't hide it. I think if I had allowed myself to laugh more and enjoy life more I may have been able to get through life a bit easier. Well, laughing wouldn't have stopped me being beaten up but you get the idea.

This has been Rachel, signing in and signing out xx